So I have a tendency that I've somehow noticed only recently. I don't know why I only noticed it recently, whether it's because I've never actually been quite as consistently productive as I have been over the past few weeks (how depressing) or because I have a fantastical lack of ability to self-analyse (no, I'm pretty good at this - must be the first option. How depressing). Either way, it's not exactly encouraging. We'll take it in steps, and in variation.
This is my mood at the moment. You've been warned.
Variation 1.
Step 1 - Procrastination.
Whenever I know I should be working on something, or getting something done so I can work on something else, I have a tendency to put it off as long as possible. I have always done this. Once I put off writing a paper for so long that the sun actually rose, and so myself and Tina (who was my roommate at the time and was also still awake and procrastinating) decided to go for a walk. At 5:00 a.m.
Step 2 - Feel Bad About Procrastination.
Because I'm procrastinating and not doing whatever thing it is that I'm supposed to be doing, I feel bad. I think about the thing that I am not doing almost obsessively, and continue to feel bad. This doesn't make me do it, of course (I'm pretty sure the walk Tina and I took early that morning probably featured the two of us talking about all the things we weren't actually doing while we strolled along the lakefront), because the only reason I ever eventually stop procrastinating is step 3.
Step 3 - Run Out of Time
Eventually, the thing that I'm not doing needs to be done, so I do it. Invariably it turns out alright (hence my reasoning that I'm actually pretty good at self-analysis, since apparently I know exactly how much time I need to still be capable of completing something when that something is done at the last minute), but even once it's finished, I still wind up feeling pretty darn pathetic for taking so long.
And then, of course, that feeling switches over to feeling pathetic about that new thing I'm not working on.
However, lately I've actually gotten a little bit better about getting stuff done at a relatively reasonable rate. This isn't to say that I still don't have lots of moments where I could be doing something and instead choose to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling pondering said things, but I actually have gotten quite a bit done so far this year. However, this has led to a new variation.
Variation 2.
Step 1 - Do the Thing I Intend to Do
I don't think this needs explanation. But you'd think I would then feel kind of proud of myself. Like, hey! I'm not always a pathetic child who refuses to do things when she's supposed to! I can be a productive individual!
Wrong.
Step 2 - Feel Vaguely Despondent Because There Are So Many Other Things I Should Probably Do Next.
This happened to me today. I spent the morning and afternoon working on my story, rewriting so that it slowly is moving into the first parts of the copy that I will eventually show to my beloved guinea pig friends. However, after I'd finished quite a bit of rewriting and decided I'd been enough for the day, I found myself feeling kind of depressed that I hadn't gotten *more* done.
Plus, I still had a blog entry to do.
And I should probably work on Bird, which I hadn't done since last week.
And I really should think about rewriting that other story.
And I should probably think about posting some pictures.
And then I was grumpy and stopped doing things and went and read John Cleese's book instead.
Hmph.
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